WEll it has been forever since i have been on this website, since i haven't really had a working computer, but i just had my little baby serenity on 11-01-2011 she weight 6 pounds 12 ounces, she is perfect and i adore her, she is precious to me, i couldn't be any happier. But for some reason i still feel sad and empty. I think the baby blues is hitting me pretty hard, because i have never felt like this before, all i want to do is cry. I think about everything I have done in my life, and I notice that i haven't done anything yet. What future will my baby have? I am super broke, i don't have a job, i don't have money for what she needs. Will she be happy? I want to be able to give her my all. I want her to have everything I don't want her to go hungry, i want her to have a perfect childhood with no problems no worries. It just seems so hard... I miss my parents so much... I never thought i would need them like this. I remember when i was younger and naive that i always thought i could do anything without them, and that i would never miss them, since they were always so "unfair" to me. Now i know that my mom was just trying to teach me to survive in the real world that everything was for a reason. I really wish i could  turn back time. I would go back in  time to the time and moment that i decided to do the dumbest thing ever, that was leave my house and my parents i was supposed to stay with them thru thick and thin but i failed them just to follow what i thought at the time was love.... Even thought it always felt wrong to be with oscar i still stayed with him. I really regret that choice he just threw me in a never ending hole. that i just can't sees to crawl out of. On the other hand i feel that michael is not trying to support our little family... i don't know i think its just me that is always wrong. My opinions never seem to count. He has pointed out how useless i am plenty of times. I know he loves me but this is not the right way to love me. I don't even believe in myself anymore I am scared of trying new things because i am afraid of fucking everything up.I am just a mess... A Big mess...

well i have been moving alot lately... i'm getting ready for silver since oscar wants me away... i love him... but why is he doing this?? i would give my life for him... but yet again he would never do anything like that for me he only cares about himself like always.... i miss him.... he calls me but i try not to answer because its only going to get me sad;; i never thought it would end like this... he leaving me for a guy... jajajaja.... funny... because she looks like a man... well i guess i gotta move on too... but i just dont want to because i still want to hold on to  his memory and his touch... well i'll try to keep updating this... i"m busy right now so i'll write later... yup... later later later....